My first STD was from a foam party
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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