My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
