i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
