You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
