Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
