True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
