i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Dear god my vagina.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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