When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
