none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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