I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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