Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Drunk is a universal language darling
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