her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
