Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Never underestimate the power of titties
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
