saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
