How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
