Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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