what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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