i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
