One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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