she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
