On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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