there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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