I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
