I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
