my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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