I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
