she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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