The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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