btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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