No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
