some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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