Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
