Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize