I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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