she woke up with a sticky ear
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
