i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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