it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
