I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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