In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
