Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
