At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
