Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
