Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
