Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
