no, he came in my armpit
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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