I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
