She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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