Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
