After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
