I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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