Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Randomize
