I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
All the doctor said was why
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
