Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
