I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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