Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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