i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
