i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
this boner is exhausting
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
