party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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