How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
