put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
